Kitkat's Blog

Right well after the stress of yesterday hers a run down of my overall A levels ...

English Literature - B
LTA1 B
LTA2 B
LTA3 B
LTA4 D
LTA5 A
LTA6 A

Theatre Studies - C
DRA1 A
DRA2 B
DRA3 B
DRA4 A
DRA5 E
DRA6 U

Media Studies - C
MED1 B
MED2 C
MED3 C
MED4 C
MED5 C
MED6 A

Well i got into Preston... But i have to admit im disapointed. English was good but im disapointed with that D. Mind you not sure it would have made any difference to the overall grade Media - C is fair thats the majority that i got and im still pleased with the A especially and the B. Drama - MAJORY FUCKED OFF cant believe he even dared to show his face!!! EU!!! and i was the second best in the class. Joe got an overall B with - BDE but compared to his A's last year thats appauling!!!

I couldnt bring myself to write yesterday or the day before felt too sick.

Went out clubbing for ems birthday was okay although not as good as before. Cant remember i i told you or not. Other than that been at Daddys for nearly a week now. Hes gone to Manchester to see lee off to Dubi today so adam and i are home alone with Eddie. Got a few things to do... got to go watch eddie after this cos adam wants a shower.

Jonny and I are okay. Both frustrated i think and we had a semi argument about when he can come up to stay because i want two weeks to settle in - Freshers and 1 normal one before he comes up to stay which will make it a month before i see him after August Bank. I can understand why hes upset but its hard for me trying to explain.

Anyways, cant think of anything more so ...
Talk soon i guess
Love Lots
Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Its the first time in a while ive sat down and really looked forward to writing this. At least now ive not been avoiding you, i have just forgotten.

Its been hard recently. So hard!

Recently since shopping with Becky i went to my clubs and had a fantastic night. Got chatted up by 3 guys but i panicked and told them i was seeing someone. We went to Carpe which was lovely and i drank - a vodka and cranberry, then a double of malibu and coke which was lovely, then a double of vodka and coke and another double of something with vodka but it was clear - might have been lemonade... then we did a shot of apple sours which was AWFUL but i think it was also the fizz of other stuff which wasnt nice.

We then moved to Boubon which is where the dancing happened. Yes the dancing i danced till 3 in the mouring! And it was great. I felt so guilty afterwards though. I missed him. I wished hed been there with me, to dance with me...

Since then... ive not really done anything exciting, except on monday i tried to go give blood again and had a very bad faint. I was out for 3 mins and had a spazm - i felt awful!

Tommorow im going for a picnic for andys birthday and then Friday im still meant to be going for a coffee with Jonny W lol. I wonder if it will happen. Then this weekend im going to my Daddys again, which i hope will be nice.

*sighs* Jonny. Hes in everything i do. Recently, i say recently these last couple of days ive not been as obsesive. Ive been calm and controled and holding it in. I cant decide where i stand with him. Were still talking and some times we have some lovely conversations. Sometimes hes really flirty and its like old times and theres promisse and i love it. Other times its like he despises me and he doesnt know why he puts up with me, and still all i want is a bit of affection.

He even rang me this morning which was lovely hed just woken up, i love that in his voice when hes all quiet and mumbly and dopey and i can just imagine him ... unfortunately on the phone i oouldnt really tell what he was saying to me and as usual i think that frustrated him and he didnt stay on long. Either that or he was embarassed. I love his voice. His accent. I hadnt forgoten it. It was how i remembered it. The same but hearing it...

I hope the calm lasts and its not before another stormy outburst on my part.

As to uni. Ive started packing for Flying Start next week because of being busy(ish) over the rest of this week. I'll be away a whole week it looks like because tims thinking of picking me up and going streight to Bodnant (an SK do) so ill be back on the Sunday night. Should have lots of things to catch up on. I'll miss him. I still txt him.

I sometimes wonder if it would be better to make a clean break but i dont think i could stand it.

My Needs assesment report still hasnt come through yet, still waiting for that.
I know my flat number now ... its 98F woop lol
Erm ... under a month now till results day :S hehe i just want to know now. I just want to know and prey im not disapointed.
Should get paid from daddy soon. Im really looking forward to being in control of that money.

Anyways i think that about covers it.
Cant think of any more news. Im not sure if ill get the chance to write again untill after flying start. But in accordance with those famous words - ill be back
Talk soon
Love Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Right first of all appologies for it having been so long, it isnt that ive forgoten its that ive been wilully putting it off, which im not sure is any better or worse. Reason - jonny broke up with me on the 26th. - i have no idea. I didnt realise it was that bad, i cant stand it, its horrible i cant even comprehend it. I hate it. I cant explain.

Yesterday i went shopping with Becky because she wouldnt let me sit in alone on our aniversary. Ive been such a mess you wouldnt believe. Still am really. Tonight im going out to some clubs with Emily and Alice which should be intriguing. And then Daddys picking me up and ill be helping him out with the puppies. Thursday ill be going to see another house the parentals have fallen in love with and Friday im going for coffee with Jonny W. Im still not sure it'll come off yet but we shall see ...

As to uni. Accomodation is sorted ill be staying in the brand new en-suit Kopa Halls which is good and as to my Assesment of needs Ive sorted that just waiting for my report from it to come through and stuff. I saw Kopa when i was there it isnt quite finished yet but it looks good.

Anyways i better get off and get ready for tonight
Ill talk to you soon maybe ...
Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey, once more an update into le fabuleux destin d'Katherine Brown

Ive finally finished my exmas, i think they all went as well as can be expected except media which im a little dubious about but that cant be helped.

Its also been the boys birthdays so im pretty scint. Adams been a bit wiered recently i think its his ages. That sounds awfullly condescending but im serious i remember going through what he is, if indeed im not still.

Im going to see daddy tommorow for adams birthday which im looking forward to.

Its such a relief to have nothing to do although ive not got used to it. Its not sunk in yet. Ive been planing what im going to do. Ive been taking every oportunity to get out of the house and today i think im going to nip up to the swiming baths to get a leaflet on times and costs of things. I think im going to get fit becuase even thouhg i know i dont need it to loose weight i could do with tonning up.

Things are still very turbulant with Jonny *sighs* Weve nearly broken up several times. Im still in the process of constructing a letter to Becky finally explaining it all its taken me so long just to be able to understand it my self though. Shes gone to Bath this weekend. I hope shes having the greatest time. She totally deserves it.

As to uni. Accomodation is sorted!!! well sort of i know where im going - Kopa halls en-suite, brand new exactly what i wanted. Contract should be through begining of July eeeeeeeee i got really excited.

Anyways i better get going.
Ill talk to you soon i hope.
Lots of Love
Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S Nich ignored me

Hey, thought it was about time for an update but its been hard finding the time to be honest with you.

This weekend we went to an Sk event which was okay but a bit creep and a little lonely. I missed him being there. Today ive revised up to my hilt and made myself a bit poorley earlier and i think i hurt jonny.

Im going to see daddy tommorow at three and for tea, ive not seem him since he got back or since fathers day so i mustnt forget his present. Im looking forward to seeing the pups too apparently Floras grown again hehe

Things are still up and down with Jonny *sighs* apprentently he cant make it to marston now so the only solid arangement we have so far is in AUGUST! I dont think i can wait that long to see him. But i think ive calmed down a bit about certain aspects of our relationship. Im going to try and tone it down. But i just want to see him ... to be with him again.

Revisions going okay, i managed to do a hell of a lot today and even some over the weekend which i was dubious as to wether id manage it. Not sure how much of a help its going to be though. We shall see i guess.

The bank. Dont even talk to me about the bank! i tried to ring them up about it today but it didnt work - i hate that when you dont really know what your talking about but you know its not right and they try and fob you off. Rather i shouldnt say its the bank its the council and the wages department that are fobbing me off.

As to uni. I still havent got my accomodation sorted yet which im upset about. One sec ... jus had a spazz then about wether it had been delived but it has - over a month ago. One of my friends Laura has had hers back and i was sure that id sent mine off before her. I really hope i get en-suit :S hmm ... Furthermore my Assesment of needs is all set up. Apointment on the 2nd of July infact i should collar mummy to book those after ive finished this.

Subjectwise ... Everything (bar media) has gone better than i expected although im not sure if ive done enough. Im really not convinced about media i didnt write an awful lot i was knackered when i went into the exam ... I just dont know. But its done now and i only have the one left and i need to focus on that although right now id say i was more or less on track with it. Just wish me luck.

Insidently DV8 were amazing!!! I wanted to go again but mummy and tim wernt intrested but it was really really great. I loved it! But its touring now and i doubt ill ever get another oportunity to see it. But i shall remember it.

Friends - Jonny W's been textin me quite a bit to get in touch, says he misses our convos and i have to say i do too. He does seem sincer but i just hope im not being gullable and being drawn in again at least this time i know what to expect as they say 'shame on me if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice'
Becky, dearest most constant becky, ive been out of touch again im such a bad friend but we both have exmas which finish (finally) on friday and then shes going away to bath but when we get back weve both promised each other a shopping trip which has been yet again a long time coming! lol.

Anyways i better get off to colar tim to help me book these tickets

Ill talk to you soon i hope.
Lots of Love
Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S ive added nich on facebook. I wonder if well actually get some comunication from him for a change ...

Hey hey,

Jus on a break, thought id catch up about my current happeneings. errm... I guess it has only been a couple of days.

Went to my dads last weekend maily to keep tim out of my hair. Played with the puppies, revised a bit went for walks with daddy and Eddie. Daddys going on holiday to Jersey soon so we wont see him for at least two weeks ... so ... I also cried alot. Jonny and i had our first real kind of argument about this tatoo. But you know weve sorted it, its not perfect as i keep saying but i know well get through it - throughout everything I still love him.

Revisions going okay, i keep thinking im maybe not focused enough or that im not gonna have enought time but what can i do i can only stick to my plan and do my best. I must remember that no matter what i do its not wasted time. Im pretty proud of myself this time though. Im not as stressed at all! My back n sholders are a bit tensed up but i think thats normal. I cant really avoid that and a focused amount of tention i guess is good for the adrenaline

The bank and wages are being sorted now I should get my pay in with this months so thats only like 2 weeks, i guess i can cope till then

Ooooh and Ive litteraly just got a letter confirming my place on the flying start course hope its gonna be good hehe...

In Subjectswith English i think its going okay. Its just the fact that there closed book now. Its jus reminding myself of the themes and characters and everything for the exam etc lol Plus the quotes.

Theatre is okay like ives said im putting Brecht and the unseen totally on hold. And the others im feeling better about i feel im getting to grips with the characters, themes and plots but ive still yet to come to the nitty gritty of the theatre elements! And its all about time after all. Were going to see DV8 on Wednesday. I actually cant wait it should be really good. That reminds me i must ring charlotte tonight about the arangements for that.

Media plodding along. I actually feel quite ignorant about it. I know its my weekest subject but if i can manage to get a B in this exam. I get a B overall. Im not sure how likely that is however ... ner mind. As long as i get a C in everything i guess ill live.

Got a revision class tommorow and then DV8 on Weds n then a day clear before my first exam :S had a bit of a spazz the other day when i tuned over my calender and saw my mass of highlighting letters and numbers ah well this time in 4 weeks itll all be over!!! Bloody hell lol.

Anyways i guess thats it for now

Talk soon
Love Kat xxxxx

Im having a break from revision. This is not good seeing as ive barely even started today.
But im destracted ... Jonny's dropped another bombshell.
He wants a tatoo.
I dont know what to do - hes nothing i expected ... I still love him but god were so different, why do these things that go against my grain so fundementally have to be a part of him, im not sure whats even going on everythings out of control.

I miss him so much.

Better get back to it. Theres nothing more to say really.

I just fancied typing to be honest. Going on and on pressing the keys in a rhythme of my own. Not sure what to write i cant remember when it last was. Its the weekend right now. Ive done all i need to - i could go and revise some more but somehow i just cant bring myself to do it - im into it now so im not all that worried, i think im on task and i know (vaugly) where im going with it. Everythings fine i think bar rep and drama but reps just my nevers and drama - well theres nothing i can do. Last week tommorow only 4 days because i dont have any lessons on friday but im going in anyway. Just to see every one - 1 last time. I am going to miss them. I worked out i have less than 5 of each lesson left. Its starting to hit home now just how breif this is going to be i mean hell its what ... 18 weeks untill we go to uni! Thats ... 105 days untill the first of September which is aproximately when ill be off!!! 105 days at home. Thats all. Bloody hell.

Jonnys fine. He was really sweet last night - rang me about 4 times lol the last time he was drunk - i could tell becuase he sounds like hes from Biringham he said 'im just ringing to let you know that i love you.' and i said 'what again, how drunk are you Jonny' - 'quite a bit' it sounded so cute though hehe bless him. I was worried about him though - why should i be worried? But i was.

Ive been reading allot of poetry recently. Id like to write some more but im out of practice and mine never seems to be enough. So i dont. During the hols i want to write some more of my stories too but now i think about them there so mundane and ordinary. I might just work on a new 'scrap book of inspiration'. Thats a good term isnt it ill put it in quotation marks and then i own it ...there hehe thats going to be wierd to read but anyway. Yeah i mean my pillow book i was upset when i filled the other one i just wanted it to go on and on. Ah well you know what they say about all good things. I should make a list of all the things im going to do during the hols. I cant remember if ive got one or not... No i dont i'll have to make one and re-do a reading list, but maybe that can be part of it. I never stick to them i guess. Lets see what can go on?

Uni reading list
Cook
Poetry
Stories
'Scrapbook of inspiration' (Pillow book)
Pack for uni (see uni list)
DVD's
Shop for uni
errrrrmmmm

nah cant think of anything more.
Pffft im sure there were all sorts of stuff meh we'll see.
Im boared im not sure what to do with myself. Might go make a cup off tea seems to me thats Jonnys answer to everything.
BLAHBLAHBLAH
onandonandon lol
yeah sorry ill leave know X

One moment mother wishes me to do the dishwasher ... so yes anyway ... feeling quite positive today that might have something to do with the lie in i had today however and the lovely shower so im all lol erm other than that, whats new.

Not a right lot really everthings sorted (ish) for going to jonnys ive finally got into revision now that the work seems to have slacked off a little which is gurrd.

I hope beckys been alright, weve been a bit distant lately, praps my fault ... not sure.
Jonnys okay hes got a job so ... not really had allot to talk about im just hoping that next weekend will be great.

ooooohhhhh i got an A in my english literature coursework aernt you proud lol i was hehe which means i go into all the exams with an A in each subject behind me

Im talking rubish lol not sure where im really going with this. Ive applied for this flying start thing in the summer and im still sorting out this DSA thing although hopefully it'll all be sorted by this evening.

Listening to Paramore - really into them at the moment. errrmm other than that nothing really presents itself might go and read or revise for a while untill i have to go to school

Talk soon
xxxxxxxxxx

fill in, cant help it i just really feel in need of sorting out my head.

Right well English - just had our last ever friday period 5 hated lesson and the number of lessons left i can count on the fingers of one hand :S however i do feel alot better about LTA6 so thats good i feel more in control, i still have a timed one to do sometime this weekend however as for LTA5 QUOTES, QUOTES, QUOTES lol and revision guide - just need time which is apparently the one thing i havent got - aint it always the way!

Theatre - had Mrs Hadley for our last but one double friday lesson and had an overview i feel alot better about DRA 6 now which i had been worried about and have, i think, decided to leave it untill my other exams are all over - ill still have a week to revise that alone, i may review what i have to do to make sure but ... thats the plan atm.

Media - nothing really to report same, although not had a lesson with Symons for ages which is worrying.

Jonny's fine, hes had a job today and all being well he will next week too which is good, ive not spoken to him today but ill ring him tonight - itll have boared him but hes getting money. I really dont know what to suggest...

As to letters and uni, i think ive managed to sort all my letters now. Ive had one today saying theyve got my accomodation aplication and a lady from DSA rang me the other day to talk to me about my needs assesment. Ive told them that im happy to have it at Preston and ive talked to mummy about (personally i think this is a stroke of genius) going down to it, if its not too expensive on the train and then i have an experience of the journey. I still have my phone to unlock however.

Recently and for no apparent reason, ive been missing my family, id been looking forward to seeing daddy next weekend but it turns out thats the weekend hes cancelled and i hadnt realised so im not going to see him for at least 3 weeks unless i go sometime during the week, a bit down hearted about that. And i was walking home today and often granny and grandad come on a friday and i realised they wernt coming and i felt sad about that too ... i dont know whats wrong with me i was talking to becky about it earlier usually i dont give a shit about my grandparents and i said to her "you'd have thought that by now id have got used to my dad not being arround its rediculous that i still miss him, i mean ive lived longer without him than i ever had with him." This actually stopped me in my tracks as i typed it realising it was true - it made me cry! I cant actually believe that ... i feel his lack...

I read a beautifull poem the other day 'Perhaps' by Vera Brittain ... im just writing as things occur to me know ...

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,
And I shall see that still the skies are blue,
And feel once more I do not live in vain,
Although bereft of You.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet
Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,
And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,
Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,
And crimson roses once again be fair,
And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,
Although You are not there.

But though kind Time may many joys renew,
There is one greatest joy I shall not know
Again, because my heart for loss of You
Was broken, long ago.

At the time, this made me thing of jonny and him living far away but more in the fore front of my mind was one of the poems my mum wrote for Philip ( i must not forget that that is what id like my son to be called ) ...

I sat, and watched,
and saw your glorious life just fade away.
I felt so proud, so full of love and pain
So privilaged to be chosen to share your last moments on earth.

But Oh! How desolate that moment was -
Your greatest triumph my greatest loss.

The night we spent before -
How precious, how full of tenderness and despair.
A night of gentle talk, when looks spoke more certainly than words.

It seemed to me, that night should never end.
But end it did and with it took your life.

I sat, and watched.
Each breath you took more shallow than the last
Each pulse that beat, a throb less strong.
Untill with an ease so subtle, so shocking, it nearly made me faint.

You died.

And from that split second of time, that moment,
When i was wrenched from wife to widowhood
Ive missed you.
The hurt began streight away
And still it bites
Deep, cold, sure and clean to the very quick.

Later, when i scattered peacefull ashes
one golden evening on an autumn breeze
at the place we loved so well
The fading sunlight caught at the notes
It made them dance and sparkle like my unsed tears
And i thought
How typical of you to shine for me even after death.